Meus Bardus Amo
by I Love Snuffles
Summary: Dumbledore's gone off his rocker and announced that this Valentines Day Dance, every teacher is required to bring a student for a date! AND EVERYBODY'S AFTER LUPIN! Hermione does something about this, of course. SLASH FRIENDLY
1. January ThirtyFirst

A/N: Couldn't resist m'self. ^^; I was rereading a manga by Mikan (My HERO!) about Hermione, chocolates, and a certain professor (it's hilarious!) and I finally snapped and let the inspiration for this following (freaky) story flow... I'll give you the link for the comic, but you might want to go to h t t p : / / w w w . f r e e t r a n s l a t I o n . c o m unless you can read/speak French/Japanese, as the manga is in French... ^^; so cute! Yeeheehee, I was laughing so hard. *cough* right. But I digress.  
  
H t t p : / / g r o u p s . m s n . c o m / L a G a l e r I e d A r t d e R e m u s L u p I n / s a I n t v a l e n t I n . m s n w  
  
There's the address. Just take all the spaces out, and you'll be fine. *^_^* that particular website also has some spectacular artwork.........  
  
Summary: Lavender and Parvati (along with every other girl in the school) are ALL over our dearly devoted DADA teacher! Third year. But this can take place during whatever year the reader chooses. It is AU! As in, SO MAJORLY MAJOR AU that it says that AU is AU... y. AUy! HAH! I mean, err, it's AU. Right. Anyway, Hermione's had enough with all them gurlies chasen' him around, and By God she swears she will get them to lay off, even if she has to make him fall head-over-heels for her... teeheehee! This'll probably be my first and ONLY ficlet that doesn't include Sirius-chan. *glares* I hope you buttheads are happy! I'm going through withdrawal already! Okay, right. Back to the summery. Summery!: Hermione gets into a contest with every other girl in the school to see who can win their professor's heart... ALL RIGHT! I ADMIT IT, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO MAKE THIS ABOUT, BUT YOU GET THE BASIC IDEA! tee hee, couldn't resist myself! Sorry! SORRY! GOMEN NASAI GOZAIMASU! *Runs around in circles laughing like a crazed moron*  
  
And in case you're thinking it, I haven't gone coconuts.  
  
... Not yet, at least.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own anything that J.K. Rowling doesn't. How's that? No money is being made from this, and anyway, if you try to sue me all you'll get is my copy of the fifth book. *pokes OotP with magical flaming frying pan nervously* I don't know if I want to give it up or not. I dunno. Sell it on the black market.  
  
But I digress. I like that word. Di-gress. DI-GR-ESS.  
  
AU. Whatever year the reader chooses (though there may be references to fifth, as I'm kind of in a denial mood...). Middle of the year (Valentines Day, tee hee!). AU. OOC. AU. Whatever. HG/RL? Slash-friendly. Slash. Yaoi. Whatever! Right. HP/RW. SS/DM. Many others! If you don't like that, then GO AWAY!!!  
  
Flames NOT welcome. *glares*  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
~  
  
BUT ON WITH THE STORY!!!  
  
~  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
Valentines Day was in two weeks.  
  
And, being the love-bird-y school that Hogwarts was, every kid was out trying to get a Valentine.  
  
Why?  
  
Because there was going to be a Valentines Dance this year Valentines Day Night from seven to one. Everybody was required to attend unless they were either  
  
A) In the Hospital Wing  
  
B) At home  
  
Or  
  
C) Second year or under.  
  
Every third year plus boy was scrambling unless they had a girlfriend.  
  
Why?  
  
Because every girl had their eyes set on one person.  
  
And that person didn't know it. Neither did anybody else, for that matter. Only one being was aware of the fact that every female in the building was stalking Remus J. Lupin.  
  
Others knew, or were aware of it of course. But only /one/ girl dared roll her eyes at it.  
  
Hermione Granger.  
  
.  
  
~  
  
.  
  
Every girl in the school had a lunar chart of the full moon.  
  
And Valentines Day Night the dance was completely full-moon-less, so Lupin was required to attend.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
~  
  
::DEFENSE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS; THIRTY-FIRST OF JANUARY, THURSDAY; LAST CLASS OF THE DAY::  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
They ('they' being the classes Gryffindor and Hufflepuff) were supposed to be filling out three inches of parchment on Vampires.  
  
Some of them were, actually.  
  
But all the females (or the largest majority of them) were passing notes, giggling, glancing and blushing at a certain male (who was sitting up at the front grading papers, oblivious as Hell).  
  
This did not go unnoticed by Hermione Granger, though. She gave a (loud) exasperated sigh, thus getting Professor Lupin to glance up at her, which in turn got every feminine head to snap down to their parchment and every mouth to zip shut.  
  
Satisfied, Hermione gave her professor a smile, and went back to reading her textbook, as she had already finished the assignment.  
  
He returned her smile (albeit somewhat suspiciously) and went back to grading papers. Pretty soon, the note passing, blushing, staring, and giggling were started up again.  
  
Only this time, Hermione was somewhat included.  
  
A girl scribbled something down and folded the small piece of parchment up until it was *tiny* and then leaned over, tapping Ron Weasly sharply on the arm. He looked up at her and glared.  
  
'Hermione,' the girl mouthed, handing him the note. Rolling his eyes, Ron took the folded piece of parchment and gently nudged Harry (who was sitting next to him). "Give this to Hermione," He whispered when Harry looked up at him.  
  
Harry furrowed his brows slightly, took the parchment, and leaned forward, tapping Hermione lightly on the shoulder (she was sitting just in front of him). When Hermione stopped reading and glanced back at him, he reached out his arm with the note. She reached back and took it, frowned slightly, and opened it after propping her book in her lap and glancing at Lupin (who was still politely ignorantly grading papers, brushing a stray lock of hair behind an ear.)  
  
The note read: 'Granger,  
  
What's up with you and Professor Lupin? Did you just purposefully do that so he would notice /and/ smile at you?  
  
What a rotten player. There are rules in love, you know.  
  
- Lavender.'  
  
Hermione scrunched up her nose, took out a quill, and turned the parchment over. She wrote: 'Screw off - I did that to get the whole lot of you lust- sick hags to shut the hell up. Hermione.' And folded it up. Leaning backwards after checking Lupin again, she gave the note back to Harry, who gave it to Ron, who gave it to Lavender.  
  
There were a few (other than Harry and Ron) watching Lavender expectantly. Hermione looked back at her and smiled almost harshly when Lavender gave her a /very/ nasty look. Harry and Ron looked quite perplexed and interested.  
  
A bell rang, signaling the end of classes for the day. Professor Lupin stood up.  
  
"If you don't have your assignment down, we'll finish it tomorrow and correct it in class. If you /do/ have it done, hand it in up here, please." He said in his usual polite/mild tone of voice and slight smile.  
  
There was a great hustle and bustle (in which Hermione was the only girl who handed in the assignment) then the trio put their things back in their dormitories, and settled with their homework in the common room.  
  
"What was that whole note-passing thing about?" Ron asked, eager to put off his potions essay.  
  
"Oh, all the giggling and such were getting on my nerves, and when I sighed, Lavender got a bit... upset. She thinks I'm after Professor Lupin, and that I'm not playing by the rules of love."  
  
Harry and Ron stared at Hermione, glanced at each other, and then burst out laughing.  
  
"You and Lupin?" Ron asked once he had clamed down somewhat. "I think there's a better chance that Snape will go gaga for Malfoy..."  
  
"Oh, I don't know about that. I think I saw him eyeing Flitwick at lunch time..." Harry said seriously, and all three of them burst out laughing again.  
  
"But no, seriously. What did you write back, 'Mione?"  
  
"I told her to screw off, and said that she among others was a lust-filled hag." Hermione mildly, finishing up the last of her homework. "Would you like help, you two?"  
  
"Yes, please," Ron said exasperatedly, handing over his potions essay. "I can't think of what else to put down. Help, Hermione!"  
  
Hermione laughed a little, reading over what he had written. "Well, you didn't do anything about Monkshood shavings or what would happen if you diced the fly's eyes instead of shred them. That'll help you a whole bunch. What about you, Harry?" she gave Ron his essay back and took Harry's. "Well, I think this is pretty good. Mention something about the moon cycle involved and you won't be failed out..." she gave it back to him.  
  
"Why can't we just copy yours, Hermione?" Ron asked after a moment, leaning back and rereading his parchment.  
  
"That's cheating," Hermione told him.  
  
"Yeah, God forbid we do anything like /that/," Harry put in, and both boys were laughing, slapping high-fives, and going back to work (telling each other the answers). Hermione rolled her eyes heavenward.  
  
"You two," she grumbled, and spotted Crookshanks in front of the fireplace. She got up and sat next to him, scratching behind his ears absent-mindedly.  
  
"Hey, Granger,"  
  
Hermione glanced up as about every girl present converged on her.  
  
"What?" she asked, pulling Crookshanks onto her lap and rolling him over so that she could scratch his tummy, thus making the cat purr loudly.  
  
"We're having a meeting. Every girl in school third year and up. It's about... Professor Lupin. Only /certain/ and /privileged/ ladies are invited to attend." Said a sixth year, narrowing her eyes slightly.  
  
"So?" Hermione asked, suddenly feeling very deeply sorry for Remus Lupin.  
  
"So, we understand you got a bit jealous in your last class."  
  
"E- excuse me?" Hermione sputtered angrily.  
  
"Oh, don't worry or bother to deny it," another girl said, smirking slightly. "We understand that you couldn't openly say you like him due to your record, Granger, but it's quite all right to have an infatuation with one of your professors."  
  
"B- but I don't, I'd never, I'm, that's just wrong, I mean-"  
  
"Back on subject," a third year girl interrupted. "Thing is, every girl that likes Professor Lupin is required to attend. This Saturday is Hogsmeade weekend, and after breakfast we'll all be meeting as the Shrieking Shack. If you know anybody third year up that would be interested in making a move on him, then invite her."  
  
"But I don't," Hermione started, however, she was again cut off.  
  
"It's rather important. If you don't attend, we'll /make/ you attend." And with that, the girls all disappeared off to dinner (along with the rest of the common room).  
  
"What was that all about?" Harry asked, coming over to Hermione with Ron. They'd finished their homework. Hermione pushed Crookshanks off her lap and stood up.  
  
"There's this big girl-only meeting at the Shrieking Shack this Saturday," Hermione said, perplexed.  
  
"About what?" Ron asked curiously.  
  
Hermione shook her head. "Never in my life have I felt more sorry for a teacher, but Professor Lupin certainly wins the grand prize."  
  
Harry and Ron laughed again.  
  
"Poor guy. Does he even know that every girl in the school is stalking him?" Harry asked.  
  
"I don't think so," Ron murmured. "Maybe we should tell him?"  
  
"Tell him what?"  
  
"You know, that he's admired...?"  
  
"I know," Hermione put in. "I'll go to the meeting, and if it involves Professor Lupin and something dangerous or against the rules or something, we'll tell him." She smiled. "Now, let's go down to dinner, shall we?"  
  
"Erm, you go ahead, Harry and I are going to, err, finish up some more work." Ron said quickly, glancing at Harry.  
  
"Yeah, see, erm, to check each other's spelling mistakes and such," Harry added quickly.  
  
Hermione laughed. "Sure," she said, "I won't tell anyone you're up here snogging, and I'll keep people away as long as I can."  
  
Both boys went very red.  
  
"Okay, thank you..."  
  
Hermione waved a dismissive hand. "Don't mention it. Now, I'm off to dinner, now... I'll bring you two back some treacle tart!"  
  
She grabbed her wand and left. 


	2. February First

A/N: HAH! Erm...  
  
I don't own, btw  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
~  
  
FEBRUARY SECOND, SATURDAY; A WHILE AFTER BREAKFAST; HOGSMEADE  
  
~  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
Had Our Heroine not been so optimistic about the situation, she would have laughed at the fact that every girl as young as twelve and as old as eighteen turned up.  
  
"Order, Order!" called a girl with longish orange-red hair. "Now! We have called this meeting due to the Valentines Day Dance!" she paused, then hefted herself up onto the fence surrounding the Shrieking Shack, looking very much like a Queen speaking to her troops before they go off to fight a hopeless battle.  
  
"First off, we all share the same interest: an infatuation with Professor Lupin!"  
  
There was some murmuring at this, and Hermione crouched down, hiding her face to muffle her giggles. How melodramatic could this get?  
  
"Here is a piece of information that may be of interest to you: On Monday night, at dinner, Professor Dumbly will make an important announcement!" she took a deep breath, "all teachers are required to attend the dance!"  
  
Everybody stared at her.  
  
"We already know that!" somebody said finally, and Our Heroine used almost all of her willpower to not laugh.  
  
"I WASN'T FINISHED!" the Queen-directing-her-troops girl cried. "AS I WAS SAYING, each teacher has to go with a STUDENT!"  
  
There was a very long silence while this sunk in.  
  
"You mean, the teachers have to attend the dance... with a student as a date?" a third year ventured finally.  
  
"Yes!" came the triumphant reply. "Either students can ask the teacher out or the teacher can ask the student out, but that's that!"  
  
There was a very long outburst at this.  
  
Hermione saw where it was going immediately.  
  
"So," she said, raising her voice above all others, "I understand the whole lot here is going to want to go for Professor Lupin, and you called us all here to make sure there aren't any bloody fights?"  
  
"EXACTLY!" the girl cried. "It's a contest, to see who can win His heart!"  
  
Another loud round of voices.  
  
About an hour of shouting at each other later, all the females came to an agreement - and the contest ensued. Here were the rules: 1) no student can ask Professor Lupin out, he must ask the student. 2) There was NO kissing on Professor Lupin ((at least, not on the mouth. Wink, wink.)). And 3) if for any reason there is a justifiable misunderstanding about something, there would be No fights; only fair-played duels.  
  
Hermione met Harry and Ron for some butterbeer yet another hour after THAT, completely mystified.  
  
Both boys howled with laughter when she told them what 'the meeting' had been about, and all three agreed that they felt very sorry for their Defense teacher. 


	3. February Fourth

A/N: three chapters 'n one day. In one HOUR! And I'm posting them all at the same time. Oh, lord. Btw, I don't own Harry Potter.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
~  
  
::FEBRUARY FOURTH, MONDAY; JUST AFTER DINNER; GREAT HALL::  
  
~  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
After everybody had eaten, the expected (by some) speech from Dumbly came.  
  
"As you all well know, on Valentines Day we will have a dance that third years and above are required to attend! I would also like to point out that all teachers but attend, too!" he beamed at them all, and Hermione noticed the teachers' smiled had become rather fixed.  
  
"And here is a little idea I have thought up myself, while sitting alone in my office with my pet bird! All teachers must have a date when they attend!" he, if possible, smiled even more. one of the teachers made a funny noise and the two next to her clapped their hands to her mouth. The rest of the teachers looked... homicidal.  
  
A LOT of the students noticed this and began snickering.  
  
"To show the excellent relationships between our students and our professors, all teachers that attend (which is all of them) must not only have a date, but the date must be a student as well!" his beam widened, and Harry whispered something about Dumbledore's cheese off his cracker. Ron burst into muffled laughs and covered his mouth to keep from attracting too much attention.  
  
A few students did the same, and quite a few eyes turned to the teachers, to see their reactions. Even more snickering ensured.  
  
As all the professors looked as though THEY thought that Dumbledore's cheese had fallen off his cracker /long/ ago. They obviously hadn't expected this. A few were even paler than usual! Hermione couldn't keep from giggling a little herself, and stuffed her cloth napkin in her mouth, ducking her head.  
  
"With that announcement made, are there any questions?" Dumbledore asked, broad grin now a pleasant smile.  
  
Ginny giggled a little and jumped to her feet, standing on her chair. All eyes turned to her.  
  
"Yes?" the headmaster asked pleasantly.  
  
"Professor Dumbledore, will you go to the dance with me?" Ginny asked, biting her lip to keep herself from breaking down completely.  
  
"Of course, Miss Weasly!" the headmaster cried, and Ginny sat down again while the hall burst into laughter.  
  
"You're all just jealous!" she called at them, shaking a fist slightly.  
  
"Right! If there are no other student-teacher invitations, it's off to bed with all of you!"  
  
Everybody stood up, many still laughing slightly, and left to their respective dorms.  
  
Hermione fell asleep that night to whispered death threats if any of the girls broke one of the three rules. 


	4. February Fifth

A/N: right. Chapter four. I don't own Harry Potter. And most of my couples are finalized! If you want to know ahead of time, then here they are: SS/DM, HP/RW, GW/AD, and I'll add on later. Tee hee hee, and the count-down to The Dance begins! I'm such a weird loser.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
~  
  
::FEBRUARY FIFTH, TUESDAY; JUST BEFORE LUNCH; NEW SCHEDULES WERE GIVEN OUT ON MONDAY AT BREAKFAST; D.A.D.A. WITH THE SLYTHERINS::  
  
~  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
"You've all passed the magical creatures unit!" Professor Lupin said brightly as the bell rang and they all settled down for class. He seemed to, like every other teacher they'd encountered so far, be trying to pretend the announcement before hadn't been made. "So today we're going to start work on Patronouses. I want you to pair up, now - five minutes to do so, go on."  
  
There was a great scrambling around, scraping of chairs, and fluttering of papers along with the voices of the class while everybody partnered up. Harry and Ron, as usual, didn't even bother to stand as they were already sitting next to each other.  
  
Hermione, sadly enough, got paired up with a Slytherin girl, Parkinson.  
  
She wasn't the only one; there were a few Gryffindors and Slytherins together who looked like they'd rather not be within the same proximity as each other, but Remus Lupin didn't seem to notice this as he wrote something down on his desk, took out his wand, and waited patiently for the noise level to go down.  
  
"Face each other - that's it, pull out your wands, and think of something happy - this is a spell to ward of Dementors, perhaps the only one. Right, everybody ready? Now repeat after me: /Expecto Patronum/!"  
  
"Expecto Patronum!" the class echoed, many of the mispronouncing it, the others producing absolutely nothing. A few (including Hermione, Parkinson, Harry, and various other Slytherins) didn't even open their mouths.  
  
"Not bad for a first try, this is a very complex spell," Lupin said indifferently when everybody gave up and looked to him for support. He went on more about the history of the spell, blah, blah, blah, then repeated it slowly.  
  
"EX-PEC-TO PA-TRON-UM,"  
  
Everybody chorused this, separating the syllables just like Remus had. He grimaced slightly before giving a somewhat encouraging smile. "Say it faster, more connected,"  
  
About ten minutes of nothing other than voices and wand waving happened, and Harry finally raised his wand and cried the incantation, all eyes locking on the silvery white stag as it leap a ways then vanished into a faded mist.  
  
There was some applause at that, and things got somewhat more interesting; such as, some students were now producing wispy silvery stuff, and thus got more excited. With Remus J. Lupin encouraging them, it wasn't long until all of the girls had managed to get some light silver mist.  
  
Hermione shivered to know what they were thinking about.  
  
The real fun didn't start until after class, though.  
  
Three girls, two Slytherins and a Gryffindor, waited for the rest of the class to file out (obviously hoping to catch a moment alone with the professor).  
  
Feeling a wave of pity for their Defense teacher, Hermione also held back, but instead of waiting for every student to be gone, she stepped up in front of Lupin and said (slightly louder, over the din),  
  
"Professor, I'm really worried about something!"  
  
"What's that?" he asked, thankfully not noticing the three other students who were giving Hermione death glares.  
  
"It's about my Vampire essay - I don't think I got enough information down on it!" some liar. Hermione made a mental note to ask Ron and Harry how they did it so well. She followed Lupin back to his desk, throwing a pointed look over her shoulder at the other three girls. "Have you graded the essays yet?" she finished finally.  
  
"Not quite," he said, smiling at her. "Don't worry Hermione, I'm sure you did great, you always do."  
  
"Oh," Hermione said, trying to sound relieved. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed that the three girls had left. Mentally, she smirked.  
  
"Oh. Well," she said at last, "Erm, is there anything I can do to help you out?"  
  
Lupin, who was busy writing something, glanced up at her and smiled again.  
  
"Yes, actually. Could you take this to Professor McGonagall?" he folded up whatever it was he had been writing and handed it to Hermione. She took it with a bright grin.  
  
"Sure! Do you know where she is?"  
  
"I'd check her classroom first, but if she isn't there then she's probably down at lunch. Thank you for being such a help, 'Mione!"  
  
'Mione' was a nickname Sirius had dubbed Hermione, and it had rather stuck. Hermione would have laughed at how the others in the room looked quite pissed off that she had a 'pet name' from guess-who. Except, they had left.  
  
"No problem at all!" Hermione turned around, and went out of the classroom, and about halfway to the transfiguration classroom, she realized she was being followed. Hermione stopped and turned around, raising her eyebrows.  
  
"What?" she asked testily.  
  
"'mione'? did you pay him to call you that?" the girl asked haughtily, looking quite pissed.  
  
Hermione burst out laughing.  
  
"It's not funny!" another girl snapped. "How dare you try to seduce him, in the middle of the day-"  
  
"I wasn't seducing him!" Hermione's smile had been rather fixed. "I'm helping him with a little something! And as nasty as that sounds, it isn't sexual."  
  
"Oh yeah?" yet another thundered. "If you don't play by the rules, 'mione', you'll be sorry!"  
  
"Don't call me that!"  
  
"What? 'mione'? Why not, don't like it when it comes from a /girl/'s mouth?" a seventh year taunted.  
  
Hermione didn't answer, however, and Professor McGonagall appeared.  
  
"What's going on?" the black-haired witch snapped.  
  
"Professor Lupin wanted my to deliver this to you," Hermione said automatically. She held out the note, and McGonagall took it.  
  
"Ah, yes. Thank you, Miss Granger. Five points to Gryffindor. Now, the rest of you OUT TO LUNCH!"  
  
.  
  
AFTER CLASSES/DINNER  
  
.  
  
All the Gryffindors were betting on who would go out with which teacher. They were pooling the money in a large bag that Dean had, and Fred and George were writing down on parchment persons' bets.  
  
"Right!" George called brightly. "So, all bests placed on Hooch? Next we have... Lupin!" this time even more female voices rang out.  
  
Harry and Ron looked to Hermione and gave her identical grins.  
  
"What do you think, 'Mione?" Harry asked in a low voice. "Poor guy, why don't you end his misery now and just ask him out?"  
  
"Yeah, and if it's any concern to you, you'd both make such a cute couple," Ron added.  
  
Hermione shook her head.  
  
"I've got a bad enough record as a teachers pet, I think I'll go alone or with another student."  
  
"But," Ron pleaded.  
  
"Oy! OY!" Harry called out. "Thirty sickles says Lupin and Granger!"  
  
"HAH!" Lee shouted. "I say thirty sickles to Granger and McGonagall!"  
  
"TWENTY SICKLES SAYS GRANGER AND SNAPE!!"  
  
Hermione fell off her chair as even more voices rang out, all betting on which teacher she went out with. She waited patiently for the noise to each the max level, then stood up and cried: "THREE GALLEONS SAYS I GO WITH ANOTHER STUDENT!"  
  
"YOU'RE ON!" practically everybody else cried back, and even more chaos ensued.  
  
And the bets for every teacher were made (with a very, very long list for Lupin).  
  
Ginny was the only one that didn't make a bet. She already had a date! 


	5. February Eighth, prt1

A/N: right. Well, I'm having these really bad formatting problems and all of my files have been corrupted, though I don't know how. ~_~ D'oh! Anyhooties, this is chapter five, I think... lolz... I think I'll do a bit from Remus's POV, the poor guy is being bombarded by da gurls... tee hee!  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
~  
  
::FEBRUARY EIGHTH, FRIDAY; END OF THE DAY ((AFTER CLASSES)); AFTER DINNER::  
  
~  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
All of the teachers (minus Dumbledore, bless the man's soul) were in the teachers' room, sitting at the meeting table. They'd all been there for well over an hour, and nobody had made any sound since.  
  
"...Well," Flitwick ventured finally. "Shall we get on with the meeting?"  
  
"Hear, hear," Remus put in dully. He was rather bored, and had papers to grade.  
  
"Yes, let's get started," Minerva McGonagall stood up. "This whole teacher- student date thing is going just a bit too far in my humble opinion."  
  
Everybody chorused "Aye!"  
  
Minerva smiled. "Good. Then when Albus gets here, we'll tell him that we don't like the idea, and..."  
  
Just then, the door opened and Dumbledore entered (finally).  
  
"Good evening!" he said brightly, taking the last empty seat. "So sorry I'm late. What is this all about, now?"  
  
"Albus," Minerva began, "I've - that is, we have - been thinking, and have decided that your student-teacher date idea, well, it isn't going to work out."  
  
"What makes you think that?" he asked, raising his eyebrows. "None of the students have complained."  
  
"Yes, well," Severus Snape interrupted, "there have been objections from certain /teachers/, headmaster..."  
  
"Oh? Alright, who here doesn't like the idea?"  
  
Nobody moved.  
  
"Then it's all settled! You lot are all just jealous that I've got such a lovely young date. Didn't think I could score one that fast, did you?" he laughed to himself. There were a few wry smiles.  
  
"It's not the idea, Professor," Remus said, speaking up. "It's the /requirement/. By /binding/ us to the fact that we /must/ bring a date, we are, err, felling, ah, neglected." What? WHAT?! It was the first word that came to mind!  
  
"Neglected" indeed.  
  
But it was enough to build off of.  
  
"Yes, yes! What if some of us want to go with each other?" Poppy Pomfrey put in.  
  
Dumbledore, however, laughed.  
  
"I know that none of you have any specific interests in each other," he explained to the blank looks he got. "But I have noticed that there are quite a few /students/ with their eyes on certain /professors/. That's what originally inspired the idea, I thought I might give them a chance and maybe open your guys' eyes up to a new world of love and relationships."  
  
Silence followed this little speech.  
  
"But-" Remus started.  
  
"No buts," Dumbledore interrupted.  
  
"Headmaster-" Severus began, but Dumbledore shook his head, silencing him.  
  
"Albus are you su-"  
  
"Really, Minerva! I thought that you of all people!" Dumbledore stood up. "There will be no more complaints about this. If you and/or your to-be student are too shy, then I shall pair you up personally. I already know exactly who's going to go with who."  
  
"Pray tell," the Astronomy teacher put. She blinked bemusedly.  
  
Dumbly winked.  
  
"No, I won't do that until the very last minute. But I do recommend that you let the students ask, not ask yourselves. Is that clear?"  
  
all the teachers nodded dumbly.  
  
"Good!" he clapped his hands together and beamed brightly. "Now, if you excuse me, I've got to go make a lovely Valentine gift for my lovely young Valentine girl..." his voice trailed off as did his footsteps when he left.  
  
"Well," Remus said after a long silence. "I have papers to grade. Erm, I'll see the lot of you on Monday, then, shall I?"  
  
"... Yeah," they all muttered one by one as they all slowly left to their respective rooms.  
  
.  
  
Poppy ran to catch up with Remus and managed to stop him in his tracks.  
  
"Wait a minute!" she said brightly. "I have an idea!"  
  
Remus stopped and looked down at her. "Not another meeting like Minerva...?"  
  
"Nope!" she said brightly. "I'm going to contact the others about it! What it is, a potion!"  
  
"Then why didn't you catch Severus first?"  
  
"He walks too fast," Poppy pointed out. "And, no, I'm not implying that you're a slower walker than he is, Remus."  
  
"Right. So, what about this oh-so-wonderful potion?" Remus asked, leaning against the wall. Poppy shushed him and looked around.  
  
"There may be students out!" she hissed. "And students like to spread rumors! So, this potion," she continued hurriedly, "it's the Aperio Adamo potion, what do you think?"  
  
Remus frowned. "If done wrong, that could be the Casus Effusio potion, and anyway, I think it'd be a whole load of work for nothing."  
  
Poppy gave an exasperated sigh.  
  
"Oh, I understand /you/ thinking it's a waste of time, you'll be having young ladies asking you every five seconds."  
  
"I will?"  
  
"Good lord, Remus, haven't you figured it out yet?"  
  
"Figured /what/ out?"  
  
"About the main person every girl is after! You don't know who it is?"  
  
"Do I /want/ to know?"  
  
she gave him a funny look. "No, I guess not. No, you don't. if you don't figure it out on your own, somebody else will tell you." She threw her arms in the air. "I can't believe I'm talking about love and relationships with a teacher. Good God. And this is all over some dumb little Dance!"  
  
Remus snorted.  
  
Poppy gave him another funny look.  
  
"Well, fine," she said. "If you don't want to do it, I'll exclude you. In fact, I think I'll go to Severus now, and we'll just forget /all/ about you!"  
  
"I'm hurt," Remus said, grinning slightly. There was a small crash, like something had fallen downstairs, and both teachers looked to the left.  
  
"Err, I think I'll go now," Poppy said after the two had inspected the nearest staircase thoroughly. "If you find anybody hurt, contact me..." she rushed off.  
  
"Right," Remus muttered, still suspicious as he looked around the area. "Quite right."  
  
Deciding that he had finally snapped (such a big deal out of a silly little dance!) he straightened and went to his room (it was pretty simple, like all teachers' rooms, a small bathroom, a small living room, and a small bedroom). 


	6. February Eighth, prt2

A/N: and it's February eighth part Two! Teehee, love triangles getting squared and again getting octigonalized!  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
~  
  
::FEBRUARY EIGHTH; NIGHTTIME; AFTER LAST CHAPTER::  
  
~  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
"Hermione! Hey, /'Mione/!"  
  
Eventually, a few girls kicked Hermione down the girls dorm staircase where Harry and Ron had been hissing her name for quite a while, now.  
  
"It's way part curfew, what are you two doing?" Hermione grumbled.  
  
"Shh! Okay, it's a long story! Totally freaked me out!"  
  
"Freaked me out, too!" Harry put in helpfully.  
  
Hermione squinted at them.  
  
"I'm going back to bed," she grumbled, and turned around, but Harry and Ron grabbed one of her hands each, pulled her over to a corner, and spilled their story in hisses and whispers.  
  
About an hour of hissing later, Our Heroine finally caught wind of what happened.  
  
"So, let me get this straight," she mumbled. "You two were out under the invisibility cloak raiding the kitchens when you came upon Madame Pomfrey and Professor Lupin talking. You didn't listen to them, as you were focused on getting around them in the passageway and thought eavesdropping would have been rude. But just as you're at the stairway, you decide to eavesdrop anyway and hear Madame Pomfrey threatening to have /it/ with Snape if Lupin didn't have/it/ with her, when they're originally a threesome?"  
  
Both Harry and Ron nodded emphatically.  
  
"Please, 'Mione, tell us that we're daft!" Ron begged.  
  
"Barking mad," Hermione confirmed. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to bed. It's none of our business, but if you must, we'll speak about it tomorrow." 


	7. February Nineth

A/N: would ya lookit that! Somebody's reading this! *waves madly* HI!!! OY, um, I've just realized that I have MAJOR physical inaccuracy here.  
  
FOLLOWING COMMENT GIVING AWAY INFORMATION READER MAY NOT WANT TO KNOW. IT WILL RUIN THE STORY FOR YOU, TRUST ME...  
  
I'm following a calendar of February 1985 instead of 1995! AAAAAAAAARGH!!!! So just pretend that that's not inaccurate, okay? This is AU. Alternate Universe. Different Reality. So HAH!!!  
  
.  
  
.  
  
~  
  
::FEBRUARY NINETH, SATURDAY; AFTER LUNCH; HOGSMEADE; ONE WEEK UNTIL THE VALENTINES DAY DANCE::  
  
~  
  
.  
  
.  
  
"Okay," Hermione said calmly, attempting to calm a somewhat hyperventilating Ron and Harry down over three mugs of butterbeer. "It's okay you two, just take deep, calming breaths, we'll get through this... now, now. Tell me again /exactly/ what you heard before. Shh, it's okay - no, don't choke - take a drink and tell me..."  
  
It was like handling poor pathetic children who had been traumatized. Which they had been, technically, but it just seemed so /unlike/ Remus Lupin to... and seemed quite EVEN MORE unlikely if whatever-it-was included Madame Pomfrey and Snape.  
  
Harry and Ron told her the same story about a hundred times again and again until she managed to calm them down completely.  
  
"There, there. I think I've figured it out, you two. OY! THREE MORE BUTTERBEERS! Stop that sniffing, Ron, geeze!"  
  
"I had nightmares," Ron said hollowly.  
  
"Me too," Harry echoed.  
  
Hermione gave an exasperated sigh as the butterbeers arrived.  
  
"I'm sorry you two, I really am," she said. "Now, Professor Lupin, Madame Pomfrey, and Professor Snape are *not* a threesome. Okay? Repeat after me,"  
  
"Professor Lupin, Madame Pomfrey, and Professor Snape are not a threesome," Harry repeated dully. Ron made some miserable sounds into his mug and Harry patted his back sympathetically.  
  
A moment of silence passed, in which the trio did nothing but drink and stare off into space.  
  
"I know you don't believe that, Hermione," Ron said after a long while. "You just don't think it's /like/ them to,"  
  
"Yeah, not to mention the unwanted mental images!" Harry put in.  
  
"Does this mean you two are feeling better?" Hermione asked.  
  
They nodded their confirmation.  
  
"Good," she sighed. "Because I think I'm going to be sick. Imagine what those other girls are going to do once they find out! If you two managed to hear what was up, then it's only a matter of time before..."  
  
The three shivered.  
  
"Let's tell him," Hermione decided finally. "You know, how, erm, admired he is. Lupin'll need to be on his guard, in case anybody else finds out."  
  
"No, way!" Ron interjected. "If he's going to traumatize Harry and I he might as well suffer..."  
  
"At the hands of every girl in the school," Hermione cut in, swooping down on the two boys. "And it's none of our business what our best professor does in the bedroom with others! None! Nada! Zippo!"  
  
"But if we tell him that we know about his love life," Harry started innocently, "he'll want to now how we found out. And so will Snape and Pomfrey, and then Ron and I will be in big trouble."  
  
He widened his big green eyes for emphasis.  
  
Hermione sat down with a sigh. "Yeah, I guess you're right. But he still needs to be on guard. I mean, who knows who else was sneaking around last night. Somebody right now could have listened to us and that someone might have been a girl. Or another teacher."  
  
They all three suddenly froze and (deviously) looked around.  
  
The noise level was pretty high, and the only familiar faces were Lavender and Parvati at a table across the room (bent over something and focusing on it with brows furrowed and lips pursed) and Professor McGonagall and Flitwick, sitting at the table to their left.  
  
"Well. . ." Ron paused. "Yeah, okay. Let's go find him."  
  
"Yeah," Harry sighed, and stood up.  
  
The trio paid for their drinks and left the pub.  
  
Unbeknownst to them ((but knownst to us)) two ladies looked up from their plate ((which had been speaking to them, and had just finished relaying Harry, Ron, and Hermione's conversation)). "Well," Lavender said, voice homicidal.  
  
She and Parvati had decided to keep an eye on "mione" ever since the "mione" incident.  
  
"We have a couple of teachers to take care of," Parvati whispered, cracking her knuckles. Their eyes met, and slowly they stood.  
  
As they left the pub, McGonagall and Flitwick stared at each other with wide eyes.  
  
"Severus!" Flitwick sputtered.  
  
"I didn't think it possible, either," McGonagall agreed.  
  
"Poppy!" Flitwick continued to choke out, going into a slow sense of shock.  
  
"We shall have to do something about this."  
  
"Remus!" Flitwick continued, clearly not listening to a word McGonagall had said.  
  
"Come, let's alert the others," McGonagall got to her feet and, dragging Flitwick by the hair on his chinny-chin-chin, exited the pub. 


	8. February Tenth, prt1

A/N: the plot thickens! Teeheehee... more from the teachers' POV... poor Remsers... he has NO idea what's coming to him... right. "aperio" latin for "reveal" "adamo" latin for "to fall in love with". For those who are wondering.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
~  
  
::FEBRUARY TENTH, SUNDAY; AFTERNOON BEFORE LUNCH::  
  
~  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
It is very emotionally degrading to know that you are to wait for a student to ask you out.  
  
Thus making it harder for Remus to grade the papers he was supposed to be grading.  
  
Eventually, he gave up and decided to go grab a cup of coffee and maybe stroll around Hogsmeade for a bit.  
  
He almost tripped over a young third year girl that had been waiting outside his office.  
  
"Hello, miss Nave," he said recognizing her to be a young little-miss- Hermione. "I hope you aren't hurt?"  
  
She went red. "N- no, Professor, I'm fine," her voice was strangely squeaky and high-pitched. Remus dismissed it.  
  
"Ah. That's good. Is there something you would like?"  
  
She went even redder ((if at all possible)). "Y- yes, Professor," she squeaked. "I was wondering, err, if, ah, if you, erm, if you would," she took a shallow, yet shaky, breath. Remus watched her blankly, wondering vaguely if he should take her to see Madame Pomfrey. "I want you to have this!" she blurted out finally, looking away and shoving something into Remus' hands and then promptly taking off at a run that had to be much faster than any normal third year.  
  
Remus watched her go ((again, with a blank expression)) before looking down at what she had given him.  
  
It was a chocolate rose, enchanted to sparkle.  
  
Dimly, he considered running after her and asking her to the dance, but remembered Dumbledore's words 'to let the student ask'.  
  
Sighing, Remus slipped it up the sleeve of his frayed robes, and wandered down to the staff room. Surprisingly, the rest of the teachers were already there ((minus Dumbly, Pomfrey, and Snape)).  
  
"Am I interrupting anything?" he asked pleasantly.  
  
Surprisingly, all of the teachers' faces went a very shallow shade of white.  
  
"You," Flitwick sputtered, "I can't believe you! You're supposed to be setting an /example/ for the students!"  
  
"What?" Remus asked blankly.  
  
"You, and Severus, and Poppy," McGonagall said, firmly. "It is... unacceptable."  
  
"... What?" Remus asked, repeatingly. Then it clicked. Pomfrey must have told them about her plan to make the Aperio Adamo potion. And, judging by the other teachers' faces, they didn't think that it was a very good idea. "Oh," he said, just as it finally all clicked into place. "Oh!"  
  
"That's right! You'd better feel guilty!" cried Hagrid.  
  
"No, wait; you don't understand," Remus said, holding up his hands and backing away into the slightly cracked-open door. "Poppy approached me with the idea the other night. I've nothing to do with it. She and Severus must right now be..."  
  
He was cut off.  
  
"So THAT'S WHERE THEY ARE!"  
  
"What?" Remus asked, for the third time.  
  
"We shall have to stop them," McGonagall said firmly, and then looked at Remus. "As for you, I don't believe a word of that it-wasn't-my-idea-and-I- didn't-have-anything-to-do-with-it talk. You will go back to your office and /stay/ there! We'll have to go and get Severus and Poppy..."  
  
"You mean, they're already making the potion?" Remus asked, but nobody heard him. Before he had been so rudely cut off, he had meant to say that Pomfrey must have been telling Snape about the plan currently.  
  
She probably was. Or so Remus supposed. The others obviously thought that she and Snape were already making the potion, and their concern for the students was overwhelming.  
  
Numbly, he made his way slowly toward his office.  
  
Not watching where he was going, he ran headlong into a student that had been rushing toward him.  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry," Remus said, backing away slightly as the ((two)) girls scrambled to their feet.  
  
"I wanted you to have this!" the two ladies chorused, both bowing and holding out a small box each. They took off ((very red)) once they had shoved their boxes into Remus' arms.  
  
The werewolf watched them go, perplexed.  
  
.  
  
By the time he made it to his office, he had to dump well over three pairs of bras and panties, pounds and mounds of chocolate, handfuls of "early" valentine cards, and plenty bouquets of different types of flowers ((all enchanted)) on his desk. He stared at all of it blankly for a moment, and then cleared out hid bottom desk drawer and shoved everything into it.  
  
There!  
  
Remus collapsed in his seat with a sigh.  
  
"......... Professor Lupin?" asked a soft feminine voice.  
  
He looked up; Hermione, Ron, and Harry were all watching him. 


End file.
